OMG! OMG! OMG! Jimbo can hardly contain his girlish squeals when he thinks about the rapidly approaching Season 10 of American Idol. New songs, new contestants, new drama, and best of all… NEW JUDGES! So much to look forward to, but seriously, I think it’s time to give the latest version of this TV abomination a proper ass-ripping.
Let’s start with America’s favorite midgit Ryan Seacrest, shall we? You know, that guy who gets paid 45 MILLION to stand on a box because he’s too short for television. The same guy who tried to high-five a blind guy. The douche responsible for making the sportcoat-and-tee-with-jeans look popular. The same guy with the off and on bromance with Simon Cowell, but he’s not gay because he has so many girlfriends. Need I say more? No, I don’t. Ryan will say it himself tonight on E! News when Ryan talks about how great Ryan Seacrest was on Idol before running off to talk about how great Ryan Seacrest is on the radio and write a blog about himself on RyanSeacrest.com. SEACREST OUT! If only we were so lucky.
And then there’s Randy Jackson, DAWG! (hey, DAWG! That’s a CAT, DAWG!) Randy hasn’t had time to be a media whore like his pal Ryan because of his illustrious music career. Who can forget the time he stood behind Santana and played bass? Or the time he stood behind Jerry Garcia and played bass? Or the time he went in a studio and stood behind Journey and played bass? And then there was his crowning achievement… standing behind Paula Abdul and playing bass. Nobody likes the bass player, Randy. Not even if your phat bass riffs are HOTT! Sorry, DAWG, but get out of Simon’s chair.
On to the newcomers. I’ll get J-LO out of the way first out of respect for the Rock God that WAS Steven Tyler.
Before J Lo successfully proved herself to be a royal pain-in-the-ass during contract negotiations for Idol, she was exposing her genitals while riding her scooter, popping out twins with Skeletor, joining the Church of Scientology, making the worst movie ever made with then BF Ben Affleck, hiding guns for BF Sean “P Puffy Puff Diddy Daddy” Combs, writing her hit “Jenny From the Block” along with 4 OTHER SONGWRITERS, and showing up Jim Carrey as a Fly Girl on In Living Color. Good luck harnessing that much RAW TALENT, Mr. Idol Producer Guy. She’s still got great dance moves though. Oh wait, I’m thinking of Beyonce.
And then there was one… Steven Tyler. Oh Steven, Steven, Steven. I know you did a TON of drugs in the past, but I already used that as an excuse for your power ballad Don’t Want to Miss a Thing. Maybe it was that nasty fall you took from the stage that scrambled your brain. I don’t know. Aerosmith to Idol? REALLY?!? Say it ain’t so, Steve. And now you’re saying things like this. I don’t blame Joe Perry for trying to finish you off once and for all. And DAMN YOU, Steven Tyler for making me agree with Kid Rock about anything, but it’s not too late to redeem yourself. Your daughter Liv’s phone number would be a good start.
If there is anything I could wish for this season, it would be the inevitable return of Simon Cowell to deliver one of his famous rants aimed at the cast he just abandoned, but then I’d have to see him in one of those ridiculously tight v-neck shirts.
In the meantime, you can satisfy your hunger for all things American Idol by using your KCAL Nation points to score this American Idol: Season 10 Commemorative Yearbook. You can have it, but you’ll have to outbid me first.