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KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Monday, May 7th:

-Miley Cyrus–mildly insane daughter of Billy Ray–stormed onto the court during last night’s Lakers-Nuggets NBA playoff game. America’s Oldest Tweenager has yet to talk about (or, even, admit to) her behavior, but it likely has something to do with the godawful, forsaken craptastic bomb of a movie she just released, “LOL.” Her public apology will probably look something like: “OMG SRY evry1 had 2 promote my muvie, LOL i <3 bsktballz <33333333333333333″

-The now-infamous walking disaster known as “Tanning Mom,” has agreed to star in a pornographic film. It looks like her lone stipulation was that she have no, um, “co-star,” giving herself 100% of the screen-time and the rest of us nightmares on par with visions of our own death. So far, no one knows which production company is filming the porno project, but, who can blame them for not wanting to take responsibility? The truly sick and twisted can click here for a short preview of “Tanning Mom’s” upcoming release.

-Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps has announced his impending retirement after this year’s Games on news that marijuana prices in California are in free-fall. The world-class athlete was publicly disciplined for marijuana use a few years back by whatever league or association governs swimming (and you thought Roger Goodell only existed in football), and it would not be surprising if California’s attractive pot prices drew him here for retirement. Plan on hearing him in-studio with Stoner Rob in the coming years, playing his pluggy sidekick, “The Psychadellic Swimmer.”* Just remember to pass it to the left hand side, Mikey.

*Get real: Phelps is NOT going to appear on Stu, Tiffany and Jimbo alongside Stoner Rob. He is quitting after the Olympics, though. Remember, the Mashup is a parody, anyone who takes the words written here as fact is a fool and should be privately ridiculed.

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May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, KCALFM.com, News | No comment