KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense. Or not.
Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Thursday, April 26th:
-Shattering expectations and confusing critics, the Indianapolis Colts have elected to draft supermodel Kate Upton’s boobs with the 1st overall pick of the 2012 NFL Draft*. The boobs, which were recently featured in Esquire, will serve the team in a yet unknown capacity, but no matter what they’re doing, fans can all agree they’ll look a lot better on the field than Stanford QB Andrew Luck. If the League had any idea the Colts were going to make such an unorthodox move, they may have scheduled them in more than one primetime game. Boobs!
-A “former prostitute” from Brazil is taking some time off from suing the United States embassy to offer a “night alone” with whomever is taken LAST in the NFL Draft, affectionately known as “Mr. Irrelevant.” The hooker claims she was thrown from an embassy van in December of last year, continuing the U.S. government’s poor record with South American prostitutes. She made her invitation to Mr. Irrelevant via YouTube, where she does not appear to have any injuries. No one but Mr. Irrelevant will get to know just how much being thrown from a van has hampered her, ahem, craft.
-(Suspended) Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace will play football for (suspended) New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton while the two have seemingly nothing else to do. Payton said in an interview he’d like to coach his son’s football team with his well-earned time off, but since World Peace won’t be back on the court for seven games, it seems like a natural fit for the two to work together. The duo could be the most dangerous in all sports, as World Peace has demonstrated time and again his willingness to injure people for free.
*Don’t worry, Colts fans, Jim Irsay isn’t really going to pass on Luck (so far as we know). The News Mashup is a parody, a joke, a funny thing you should be reading every day.
**Goodness, look at Kate Upton’s rack.