KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense. Or not.
Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Wednesday, April 25th:
-A man with no legs or arms- described as a “limbless endurance athlete”- managed to kill a gray whale, by slam-dunking a golf ball inside of it (beat that, Cosmo Kramer). The swimmer, Frenchman Phillipe Croizon, must have encountered the whale near the Pacific coast, as its carcass washed up in Washington’s Puget Sound. Croizon was in the middle of swimming around the world (which is now the second most-impressive thing about him), while the whale was, presumably, innocently bobbing around the ocean before Croizon killed him. Can’t wait to hear what PETA has to say about this one.
-Dan Marino has been banned from classrooms across British Columbia (up in ol’ Canadia), shortly after being named one of the newest spokespeople for the AARP. One B.C. teacher claims Dan the Man is now “too political” for her classroom, and the school board is following her lead. Add “teach in Canada” to the list of things Marino Will Never Do, right up there with “win a Superbowl,” and “live down ‘Ace Ventura.’” It’s a rare move for Canada, a country so benign they’ve even taken to dismantling their own Navy, to single someone out so aggressively. Poor Dan-o. At least he’ll be able to officially collect those sweet Senior Citizens’ discounts everywhere now.
-Detroit Lion Calvin Johnson- affectionately known as “Megatron”- unveiled a huge new deal today: $40 million for three seasons of letting E! follow him around. The show, which could be titled “Keeping Up With Calvin,” or, perhaps, “Messin’ With Megatron,” will be the same kind of overhyped crap we’ve come to expect from reality TV, with only TMZ and bored housewives tuning in. Lions fans seem worried Johnson could fall victim to the “Kardashian Curse,” and wind up marrying Lamar Odom, or…well, there’s really nothing worse than that.*
*Note: No, Calvin Johnson didn’t really sign up for any stupid reality shows. Once again, the Mashup is parody, and if you take anything written here as fact, well, you’ve been spending too much time licking Stu. He was chosen by fans to appear on the cover of the upcoming Madden football video game**, though, so big ups to him.
**Calvin Johnson – not Stu, dumbass.