KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense. Or not.
Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Tuesday, April 24th:
-Pizza Hut today announced plans that could finish off a woman nearly killed by the Heart Attack Grill. The woman almost literally died of gluttony after an orgy of cigarettes, booze, and this gorgeous thing, but eventually recovered. Check out the details of Pizza Hut’s latest contribution to America’s Bountiful Obesity Bonanza here. Just remember, it’s called a “deadly” sin for a reason.
-Soon-to-be NFL babyface Andrew Luck is being sued by Deion Sanders. Sanders said he was “jumped” by Luck “and a friend,”* in front of his children, and has decided to sue Luck for all the Indianapolis Colts hope he’s worth. NFL scouts everywhere must be kicking themselves for committing such an obvious oversight while drumming up drama bout Robert Griffin III.
*Okay, The Next Peyton didn’t jump Neion Deion. Hit the links to find out who (allegedly) did jump his route. The New Greatest QB Ever To Model A Jockstrap is getting sued for something having to do with trading cards. Remember – it’s a mashup. Anyone who uses this as a substitute for real news needs to start reading comic books with Jimbo.
-Teens in California are getting all crunk on Mad Cow Disease. While Mad Cow does affect the brain, this seems like a pretty risky way to get through book reports and standardized tests. It’ll be interesting to see what street slang America’s Future Leaders come up with. Beefing up? Mashed po-brainos?