He got the shocking news this week that he was traded to the Dallas Mavericks. See how chaotic his life is right now with the Celebrity To Do List of Lamar Odom.

-8:00 A.M.: Wake up. Ask “E!” producers if I can go to practice today.

-8:30 A.M.: Shave . . . Khloe.

-10:00 A.M.: Find baseball in Khloe’s nightstand autographed by Derek Jeter.

-10:05 A.M.: Look at old Lakers jersey. Cry.

-10:15 A.M.: Look at wife. Cry.

-11:00 A.M.: Receive new team’s jersey. Get angry when it says “Kardashian” on the back.

-11:15 A.M.: Open Dirk Nowitzki’s welcome gift. Don’t tell him that no self-respecting black dude on Earth would be caught dead wearing lederhosen.

-11:25 A.M.: Check in with Ryan Seacrest for today’s story beats.

-12:00 P.M.: Order lunch. Then have it rejected by David Stern.

-1:00 P.M.: Wonder why I married Khloe. See her bank balance. Remember why I married Khloe.

-2:00 P.M.: Point out to Khloe that just because everything’s bigger in Texas, that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to put on weight.

-2:30 P.M.: Proudly show off my Olympic bronze medal to new teammates. Conveniently forget to mention that I was part of the only team of pros not to win a gold.

-3:00 P.M.: Practice. Happily realize I won’t miss getting withering glares from Kobe Bryant after he misses a half-court three while quadruple-covered.

-3:30 P.M.: More practice. Try not to act shocked when teammate actually passes ball to me.

-4:15 P.M.: Call Kris Humphries to get tips on how he managed to escape.

-5:00 P.M.: Try to blend in with fellow Texans by acquiring cowboy hat, boots and Type-2 diabetes.

-5:30 P.M.: Drive around Dallas. Notice lots of white women with huge butts. I may like it here after all.

-5:45 P.M.: Pretend my cell phone is cutting out when Ron Artest calls to ask what I think of his new rap single.

-6:30 P.M.: Get nailed in head with errant throw by Tony Romo.

-7:15 P.M.: Text picture of my ass to Kobe and tell him to kiss it. Man, that’s been a long time coming.

-8:25 P.M.: Notice tiny hair on head. Immediately shave it.

-9:30 P.M.: Review script from E! to see what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Roll over, cry in my pillow.

-11:00 P.M.: Tender late-night phone call with my true love. Kobe.



December 21, 2011 at 6:23 am | KCAL Crew | No comment