We assume those Wings Of Death aren’t really going to be on their backs come game time.  Otherwise, Stu’s going to think he’s flashing back to seeing Canned Heat at the Swing.

Fans of college football and Tim Gunn have had something in common for years: a profound dread that can only be inspired by the words “Oregon Ducks show off new uniforms”.  Prepare to spend January 2 – at least they’re not playing on National Hangover Day New Years Day this year – retching at that which Nike hath wrought this go-round.  Coming next week to a Rose Bowl near you – assuming you live in the I.E., of course – it’s OREGON FOOTBALL TRAINWRECK 2012!!!

You’ll be delighted to know that, per Nike, “The new uniform provides enhanced thermoregulation and more durability with the inclusion of Nike Chain Maille Mesh…”  Chainmail?  Excellent!  Introducing the Oregon offensive line..

Better still, their opponents from Wisconsin will no doubt quake with terror at the notion of Darth Vader suiting up for the Ducks.

Russell Wilson…I am your father.

Unfortunately for Oregon, Wisconsin will also be announcing new unis before the Semi-Big Game.

Given the Ducks’ choice of chainmail, we figure the Wisconsin d-line will all carry a cat o’ nine tails into “battle”.  We’re recommending nunchucks for the linebackers. For the d-backs, whaddya think?  Throwing stars or perhaps the bâton français?  Offensive players?  Give ‘em all a dragon’s fist and let them have at.

Thankfully, whatever happens, Oregon will continue using gloves that encourage their players to scream the word “vagina” in American Sign Language after a big play.

After all, they’re college kids.  When you were 20 years old, if you were given the choice between touchdowns and, well, you know, which would you rather have scored to celebrate the new year?



December 27, 2011 at 11:43 am | Football, General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, Sports | No comment