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Maryland to Oregon:Top this for revolting, bitchez!

They said it couldn’t be done.テつ (Who “they” are, we have no idea, but whatever.)テつ There are some sports records that simply can’t be broken.テつ Ever.

Cy Young’s 511 wins?テつ A baseball standard for all time.テつ The Lakers 33-game winning streak?テつ Untouchable in this era of sporting parity.テつ Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points in a single NBA game?テつ Forever unbreakable.テつ That 109-yard kickoff return Antonio Cromartie had a few years back for the Bolts?テつ Mathematically assured of eternal greatness.

In the world of college football, nothing seemed safer than the proposition that the Oregon Ducks’ ridiculous collection of unis, most based on the colors of barf and bile, would always be, in the words of the Beastie Boys, the most illinest.

Not so fast, amigo.テつ The visual trainwrecks the Terrapins rolled out in last night were truly awe-inspiring, in a record-breaking stomach-churning sorta way.

Here’s the backstory:テつ Nike Imperial Overlord Phil Knight is an Oregon alum.テつテつ A few years ago, he sent his Nike minions to Eugene with a plan: design the most, er, aesthetically-interesting football gear ever.テつ The results can be seen above, or you can just watch a Ducks game on TV this season at your own risk.テつ Now, who could compete with that?

Howzabout the founder of Under Armour, one Kevin Plank?テつ K-Plank happens to be a Maryland alum whose involvement with the Terrapin football program has led to the occasional controversy.テつ Plank, whose name sounds suspiciously like a juvenile photographic trend, and his henchmen designed 16 uniform combinations for this season’s Terps, which they rolled out last month at a 30-minute fashion show.

They held back.

Last night, they rolled out the worst first, showing up in a – how to say this politely? – pukealicious creation designed to mimic the Maryland State Flag, which looks like this.

We’re guessing, however, that the folks who adopted the thing back in 1904 weren’t planning on it being used to frighten small children on ESPN a mere 107 years later.

On the other hand, if aliens from some faraway galaxy – one where Tim Gunn is Dictator-For-Life – ever attack this planet, we just might be able to terrify them into surrender with the image of this guy.

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September 6, 2011 at 9:52 am | Football, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, Sports | No comment