It was nothing less than heart-wrenching listening to Stu, Tiffany & Jimbo this morning, particularly when they did KCAL Sports Stu at 5:50. So profound was Jimbo’s heartache, you could almost hear the tears dribbling off his microphone as he struggled to hold it together.
After all, Randy Moss, the only true love of his life (besides himself, of course), is done. (Until he unretires, anyway.) Join us now as we take a look at Jimbo’s ongoing experience with the five stages of grieving.
Denial. If you were listening this morning, you know that Jimbo is still in the process of denial. If you were smart enough to still be asleep at 5:50, let’s just summarize it this way: Trying to make the case that he was perhaps the greatest receiver in football history, our Antihero was busy comparing his beloved Ran Ran’s numbers to those of Jerry Rice. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Jimbo would have been right…if only Mr. Moss had just caught 600 more passes for 8,000 more yards, won three Super Bowls, made All-Pro seven more times, and been rated the top player of all time…by the NFL, they would be exactly the same!
Anger. Let’s face it – Jimbo’s angry so frequently that it’s tough to know what Jimbo’s angry about at any particular moment. It was particularly amusing, however, to hear 4orty baiting Jimbo by equating the subject of his man crush with Eagles legend Harold Carmichael who was, at least if you compare their career numbers, 2/3 the player Mr. Moss was. (On the other hand, Carmichael did have the better Super Bowl performance.) Small children in Taiwan are still terrified of the screams they could hear emanating from the KCAL studios in Redlands at about 5:53 this morning.
You can calm down, Jimbo. In spite of that line of crap 4orty threw out about Carmichael being in the Hall Of Fame, he isn’t. Randy Moss will be…unless he a-holes his way out of Canton before he’s elected.
Bargaining. You can almost read Jimbo’s thoughts from here: I’ll never have another beer at another KCAL Kegger if he’ll return to my team. It’s okay Brad Childress – you can come back and coach the Vikings again if only you’ll take Randy back. Tiffany…you can shave my sweet beard if you’ll just talk my boy toy into coming back. Lord…I promise I’ll stop playing with my Randy Moss doll action figure if you’ll just send him back to Minnesota for another season or three.
And no, Jimbo didn’t promise anyone he’d give up sex if #84 would return. We said he’s grieving, not insane.
Depression. Jimbo’s so bummed that Ran Ran bumped that traffic cop for half a block with his car. He never really pretended to moon the crowd at Lambeau, did he? (Actually, we thought that was heelarious.) He never did all that bad stuff people said. How could he? Randy is straight cash, homie!
Acceptance. Tune in tomorrow morning from 5-9am. If you hear Our Jimbo utter the words, “No really, they can win the Super Bowl with Donovan McNabb chucking the rock to Devin Aromashodu. We’re going to the Super Bowl baby!!!” you’ll know Jimbo has completed the grieving process.
At least until Adrian Peterson starts fumbling again.