Juan Uribe’s soul is filled with melancholy dejection.

When the 2011 season began, we figured things would be ugly in Dodgertown.  We’re sure, however, that we didn’t expect this level of misery and angst.  How bad is it?  Well, while the Blue are struggling to avoid the NL West cellar, everyone’s favorite punching bags, the Pittsburgh Pirates are leading the NL Central.

It’s enough to make Tommy Lasorda stop bleeding blue and go goth, bleed black, and mourn the fact that life in Chavez Ravine is full of pain, nothing but pain, dark depressing nothingness that eats your soul.

Not that our anti-hero, Frankrupt, the Robert Smith of baseball owners, has totally blown this thing, but while the budgetless, clueless Bucs are on top of their division, the Blue are a dozen games below .500 and sinking like a stone.  Let’s put that in perspective: in the 53 years the Dodgers have been balling in SoCal, they’ve finished more than ten games under .500 in all of six seasons.  The Pirates, by way of comparison, haven’t finished within ten games of .500 in this century.  Talk about a mirthless funk.

That, brah, is some serious anguish and torment.  Since Hot Topic has nothing to do with this, there’s only one thing left to do to help lift the veil of sadness and misery that tears at Dodger Nation’s very being: surrender.  Fly the white freaking flag.

Okay, let’s get serious.  With the major league trade deadline a week from next Sunday, the Dodgers shouldn’t be sellers; they should be arsonists.  Burn that roster down and start building a new foundation.  With the obvious exceptions, everyone should be available.  Play the kiddie corps now, and see who’s got the stones to succeed in The Show.  Grab every single prospect you can in exchange for the rest of the roster.

If Ned Colletti has any clue whatsoever, the lineup for August & September needs to look something like this:

ss  Dee Gordon
lf    Trayvon Robinson
rf    Andre Ethier
cf    Matt Kemp
1b  Jerry Sands
3b  Juan Uribe*
2b   Ivan DeJesus
c     Hector Gimenez

*No one, but no one, is taking Uribe’s deal off the Dodgers’ hands. On the other hand, somebody ought to be willing to overpay for Jamey Carroll and Aaron Miles, who could be valuable pieces to a real live contender.  Ditto Tony Gwynn, Jr. If there’s any way to get anything at all for Rafael Furcal and Casey Blake – who we think very highly of, but who are pretty much done -  get it.  We aren’t, by the way, giving up on James Loney, but Robinson and Sands both need a couple hundred big league at-bats.  Now.

Oh, and as for the pitching staff: howzabout a rotation of Kershaw, Billingsley, Rubby De La Rosa, Josh Lindblom, and Nathan Eovaldi?  (We’ve totally blown off the Triple A trainwreck in Albuquerque – there’s no there there, unless you haven’t completely lost faith in John Ely.)

Special message for Ted Lilly: enjoy long relief.  (No one’s taking that deal either.)  Memo to Hiroki Kuroda: You wanna come back in 2012?  Cool, bro.  Just one thing.  You’re on a one-year deal!  Waive  your no-trade, go compete for a ring for two months and re-sign in November, assuming the Dodger organization can afford ink to print your contract.

While we’re at it, just declare Javy Guerra the closer for the rest of the year and see how he handles it.  So far, there ain’t much to argue with, and assuming you even want to re-sign Brox, who’s a free agent, his arm may fall off if you don’t rest him a little longer.

Will this lineup end up at the bottom of the NL West?  Probably.  At this point, does it matter?  We think both of the remaining Dodger fans would agree, it’s time to embrace the bitter gloom that envelops the Ravine.

We don’t know what goths drink, but for the rest of this season, if you’re watching a Dodger game without listening to Vin Scully, you better make it a double.

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July 19, 2011 at 4:44 pm | Baseball, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, Sports | No comment