I got this text message on April 14th: “Today’s the 150th anniversary of the Civil War.Â I bet you picked the Confederacy to win.”
Who would send me crap like that?Â Howzabout somebody I’ve been friends with somebody since Stu was 30 years old.Â Somebody who works right here at this very radio station.Â Somebody who seems like a really mellow person.Â Somebody who desperately needs to take a chill pill.Â A really big chill pill.
A little help here…how do I shut Kelli Cluque up?
Here’s the rest of the story…
…but first, a text from Jun 30, 2009: “Juan Pierre should play every game as if it’s his last.Â Hopefully, today’s was.”
Once upon a time wayyy back in Spring of 2009, the Los Angeles Dodgers went into the season with four – count ‘em, four – (allegedly) legitimate starting outfielders.Â That was kind of a problem, considering that the typical major league ballclub prefers to play three guys in the outfield and four in the infield, meaning that had one more starting outfielder than they really needed.
One was a fella who went by the name of Manny.Â This Manny person had hit .396 the year before with 17 home runs and 53 RBI’s in 53 games while wearing blue.Â (Steroids?Â Who knew?)Â Another outfielder – kid named Kemp – was the second coming of Willie Mays, a somewhat talented ballplayer you may have heard of.Â He was going to play centerfield, period, end of story.
Hold up – here’s a text from June 12, 2010: “Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction.Â Did Juan Pierre have a baseball malfunction?”
That left one spot for two guys: the Dodgers were paying big bucks to Juan Pierre, who was a great character guy.Â He had a crappy arm and a funny habit of hitting around .300 and challenging for the league lead in stolen bases every year.Â The other guy was a temperamental kid named Ethier who had potential, but his intensity kicked back on him so much that his postseason batting average was .182, and his slugging percentage was a brutal .212.Â Plus, his attitude made it look like he was going to throw down with somebody in the clubhouse before long.
Kelli was sold on Ethier.Â Guess who yours truly was sold on.Â Yep – Juan Pierre, especially since the Dodgers’ only other real leadoff hitter is/was Rafael Furcal, who was able to play in a whole 36 games in 2008 (and is on the DL again right now).Â Before the year was out, Manny was a doper, Ethier had turned into a great clutch hitter, and the fans sitting in Juan Pierrewood out in left field watched their substitute hero hit .310.
That didn’t prevent Kelli from sending me this on October 29, 2009: “If Juan Pierre’s father had worn a condom, we might be going to the World Series.”
Anyway, ‘Dre is en fuego for the second straight spring.Â Last year, he was on pace to win the Triple Crown when he broke his finger on May 14.Â He got back 17 days later, but he wasn’t quite the same (11 HR’s in his first 35 games; 12 in his last 104).Â This year, his production’s down a bunch – thanks, crappy teammates – but there is the matter of that little 29-game hitting streak…and his hurting elbow.
Text from August 14, 2010: “Daryl’s a Yankees fan.Â Why does he have to be such a douche when it comes to baseball?”Â (Okay, so this one wasn’t about Ethier, but it’s pretty funny, and it shows you what happens when Kelli’s got a little wine in her.)
Anyway, Kelli wins, a fact I’ve acknowledged to Miss Perky on multiple occasions…which doesn’t keep her from sending my crap like this little number from December 15, 2009: “Ha ha.Â They traded him.Â Are you moving to Chicago with your boyfriend?”
Out of control?Â Not Kelli!Â Here’s one from May 16, 2010: “I was watching the Sox game.Â I think Juan Pierre has a slight swing in his flaw.”
Anyway, let’s buy here a couple Shock Tops at the next Kegger and see if we can chill her out.
Hold on.Â I just took one last look at the cell phone and found this charming note from December 31, 2010: “I’m at a New Year’s Eve party with Juan Pierre.Â He was going to throw me a bottle of champagne, but I’m ten feet away from him and he doesn’t have the arm for it.”
Can you just feed her a pint of Haagen-Dazs for me?Â Maybe that’ll help.