Shortly after we heard the greatest news Dodger fans have gotten since October 1988 – you were taking control of the Los Angeles Dodgers from the buffoon that is Frank McCourt – we saw it, the ultimate buzzkill.Â The news item that made chills run down our spine.Â Interested in getting his mitts on the Dodgers is none other than…Steve Garvey.Â We about hurled.
Yeah yeah yeah – we know.Â Dodger idol.Â Great first baseman.Â NL record playing streak.Â Mr. Dependable and Wholesome.Â A future U.S. Senator.Â How could we diss Garv?Â Have you forgotten? He’s America’s Sweetheart…right?!?!?
We don’t want to bring you problems without a solution, Bud, and we know we can trust you to make sure the team is sold to somebody responsible.Â That’s why we’ve compiled a brief list of possible new owners for the Dodgers.Â Get a load of these – any of them would be far better than our old pal, #6.Â Howzabout…
Charlie Sheen!!!Â Seriously.Â He’s got plenty of time on his hands.Â He’s already got one World Series ring, right?Â You’d think Wild Thing could probably relate to Jonathan Broxton.Â He knows his Goddesses, which is always a plus in a town where sex sells.Â Plus, he’s all about winning…duh!Â One problem though: between the Indians gear, the Tiger blood, and the fact that he’s a well-known Reds fan, he doesn’t seem to be much of a Dodger man.Â The Goddesses woulda been fun though, but wait – what about…
…Hef!?!?!Â He’s Southern California to the bone, and he understands glamour.Â Plus, at age 84, he’s got his groove back!Â Ballplayers may be arrogant and hard to reach, but they’ve got to respect an owner whose female companion is hotter than theirs even though he’s got half a century or more on them.Â Okay, so you’re worried that he doesn’t have much baseball experience.Â Fine.Â How does this guy strike you?
It’s Kevin Costner!Â He’s so dreamy, and he knows how to handle baseball groupies too.Â Plus, he was awesome when he was grooming Nuke LaLoosh for The Show, and he could teach everybody on the team how to spit mad clichÃ©s.Â As far as baseball chops go, he may not have a ring, but he’s tossed a perfecto.Â Also, it seems like he could bring in Shoeless Joe Jackson, who the Dodgers could really use in left field.Â Bonus: we don’t think Shoeless Joe ever earned more than $10,000 in a season, so he’d be really salary cap friendly too.
Okay, enough baseball movie guys.Â You’ll want an owner who’s got real baseball experience and would never quit on the team.Â Somebody fun.Â Someone who can just be himself.Â Someone who, frankly, put up much better numbers during his stay at Chavez than almost anyone else who ever donned the Blue.Â It’s gotta be…
…wait for it…