We proudly salute the Padres’ Mat Latos, who’s been signing baseballs this way.
Boyohboyohboy. Baseball’s opening day is here, and the Dodgers’ hated rivals, the ‘Frisco Giants are in town. Better still, they’re the defending World Champs, and they’re going to show us! They want to fly a “Beat L.A!” banner over Chavez!!!
Are you bothered by this? We’re not.
Look, the last time the Giants won a World Series, they were playing in New York. Stu was a fetus. At their present rate, they’ll win another one when Stu is 111. (And you thought he turned 111 a couple centuries ago, didn’t you?) So, go for it, guys! After all, you probably weren’t alive for your last big win, and if they win another Series in your lifetime, you’ll probably be eating nothing but applesauce and wearing a drool cup on your chin by the time it happens again.
In fact, we salute your heroes. We salute Barry Bonds*. We lift a glass of flaxseed oil and arthritis cream in his “honor”. We’re thrilled to announce that almost nothing bad is being said about him at his current perjury trial.
*Nothing to say here, but you just can’t say Barry Bonds** without including an asterisk, can you?
**See what we mean?
We know your guys are generally better than that, however. Orlando Cepeda is one of your all-time greats, isn’t he? Hall of Famer. Rookie of the Year with the Giants. Solid – okay, semi-solid, citizen. He hasn’t been picked up on drug charges in years and hasn’t done time in the federal pen in decades, has he? Juan Marichal? Great pitcher. Even better at battery, er, as a batter.
Luckily, your current team doesn’t look like they’ll have any social adjustment issues. Seriously. Your closer is fine as long as he can find a nice can of shoe polish to touch up his beard with. Your #1 pitcher barely even reminds us of a great movie hero, Jeff Spicoli!
This is unfair though. You live in such a great city. In fact, let’s check in with your mayor and star pitcher for a rebuttal.
Okay, so that was a bad idea. Howzabout we tell you what we like about San Francisco?
There, that was easy.
On the downside, ‘Friscans, you are self-important, whine, er, wine & cheese swilling, hippie loving, patchouli wearing, Burning Man attending losers, who eat Caribbean Cha Cha Bowls and drink “a variety of California wines” at the freaking ballpark and live in a filthy, rundown waste of real estate that would be better used as a toxic waste dump.
Of course, now we’re just nitpicking. America needs someone to dine on artisan flatbreads with organically produced brie and arugula while the rest of us grab a pizza and a beer.
So, really, enjoy that title you all won, ‘Friscans. After all, you get to go home and enjoy another übersmug fogged-in day by the bay while we’re stuck in lame old Southern California with all our annoying 80-degree sunshine, beautiful women, and Lakers threepeats.
We’ll lift a glass of Chateau Mouton Rothschild for you!***
***Does a Dodger Dog go good with a $2,500 bottle of wine?