The last weekend of the NFL’s regular season always features the same thing: a list of playoff possibilities that you can’t understand without an advanced degree in nuclear physics.¬† We thought we’d simplify the whole deal for you.
To get the painful note out of the way, look up at the pretty picture.¬† Right up there.¬† It says that if you want to spend one last Sunday with the San Diego Chargers, you can do that right here on 96-7 KCAL Rocks.¬† The game, of course, lacks much significance beyond the Bolts’ introduction to the Mile High Messiah, Tim Tebow, after last weekend’s disaster in Cincinnati.
Here’s how the playoffs play out from a KCAL Crew perspective:
Stu is a Steelers fan.¬† They’ll be alive come Monday, but Stu better hope Troy Polamalu’s beautiful hair leads them to a win in Cleveland to lock up the AFC North and a first round bye.¬† With Baltimore hosting Cincinnati – and last week’s shocker aside, the Bengals still suck – the Steelers either take care of business or face a likely trip to Kansas City, where the Chiefs are unbeaten this year.
Kelli Cluque is from Corona, but she spent lots of time down south, and she’s a Chargers fan.¬† Ouch.¬† Tiffany hates football, but we tried to help her by making her a Charger fan, which still left her with a lot less NFL tortures than she’d have had to do otherwise.¬† (Sorry about that, KCAL Nation.¬† Our bad.)
Jimbo learned this year that God hates the Minnesota Vikings.¬† Jimbo will spend the playoffs burning incense and meditating on the possibility that God might answer his prayers for…the Los Angeles Vikings.¬† At the very least, he’s excited that the Vikings might play outdoors next season.¬† Or maybe not.¬† Or maybe not at all.
If the league can, in fact, avert a season-killing labor war, Jimbo will also be hoping that the one and only Tawhidul Webb – his real name, really – keeps playing like he just did on Tuesday night.¬† How could he not be a future star, coming from that cradle of gridiron legends, Alabama-Birmingham?¬† If he works out, will Jimbo eventually change The Chosen One’s name to Tawhidul?
Jimbo’s dad, Papoo, happens to be a Colts fan.¬† Assuming they beat Tennessee at home, they’re in.¬† Lose, and Jacksonville can steal the AFC South with a win at Houston.
Daryl…lifelong member of Raider Nation.¬† That was great until [pick one: 1984 or 2003].¬† He’ll spend the postseason rooting against anyone the Raiders hate.¬† (Of course, the Raiders hate just about everyone, so…)
Zakk Sabbath is a Cincinnati Bengals fan.¬† Actually, he just likes orange and black.¬† Seriously.¬† He wore a freaking San Francisco Giants jersey in here the day after hell froze over and they won the World Series.¬† We’ll let you know where we dump the body.
4orty loves him some Philadelphia Eagles.¬† Lucky for them, they’d sown up the NFC East before their Tuesday night tank job against the Vikings.¬†¬† 4orty sure hopes…c’mon, say it with us…they don’t dog it in the playoffs.¬† (Yep, Mike Vick will be able to move past that in a century or two.)¬†¬† One other minor issue: Vick was visibly limping from the field at game’s end Tuesday.
Across the NFC East, Donovan is a huge Giants fan.¬† That’s given him three Super Bowls to enjoy and a brutal 2010 collapse to hate.¬† (All together now: DON’T PUNT TO DeSEAN JACKSON!!!)¬† After last week’s 45-17 pasting in Green Bay, Big Blue needs to win in Washington and see the Pack lose at home to the Bears, or the collapse will be complete and Tom Coughlin can start looking for a new gig.¬†¬† If the Giants and Packers both tank, Tampa Bay can snake the last NFC Wild Card spot with a win in New Orleans.
Speaking of which, your genial blogger is a native of the great state of Louisiana.¬† With the World Champion Saints more or less locked into the #5 seed, barring an epic trainwreck by Atlanta against the worst team in the league, the defending Super Bowl Champions have one week to find a real live running game before traveling to play the worst team in NFL playoff history, the winner of Sunday’s “showdown” between 7-8 St. Louis and 6-9 Seattle for the NFC West crown of thorns.
Okay, so the Saints have two weeks before they have to find a running game.¬† If they don’t, they’ll have to warm themselves with the memories of last year’s Lombardi Gras.¬† (By the way, have we mentioned that the former New Orleans Aints won Super Bowl 44?)
Also in are the NFC North Champion Bears, who get a first round bye, AFC East Champion Patriots, who get home field throughout the playoffs, and the Wild Card Jets, who hope to have a foot up on the competition.¬† (And remember, a foot fetish can be a good thing!)