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A random encounter on the streets of the Blue Mountain City between Jimbo and the father of his personal savior just before the first-ever edition of Tuesday Night Football starring the Philadelphia Eagles, with special guest victims, the Minnesota Vikings.

God…why do you hate the Vikings so?

You mean besides the fact that you like them and I hate you?

Ohmyyou…I didn’t think you’d answer…uh…I mean…I wasn’t touching myself in the shower yesterday and fantasizing that I was you so I could see through women’s clothing.



Yes you were, but that’s not why I have chosen to smite the Vikings.

Is it something they said?

No.  It’s also not because your farts smell worse than Cthulhu’s after a night of pounding PBR’s in hell’s seventh circle.

They do?  Thanks for the fruitful sphincter, Lord.

You’re welcome.  I figured it was the least I could do after I made you no taller than the average eight year-old.  Besides, I actually kind of like you in a bromance sort of way, Jimbo.  After all, I created strippers just for you.

And I thought my son was The Chosen One.

The Chosen One?  Get over yourself.  Brett Favre is The Chosen One, Jimbo!  That’s why I chose him to send pictures of his divinely created junk to that hot chick with the Jets.  And that hot reporter.  And that hot…oh, never mind.

If his junk is divinely created, why is it so…divinely small?

Not to get all biblical, but I hath created practical jokes too.  Whoo…that was a good one.  You only hurt the one you love and all that.

So then, what’s your problem with the Vikings?

You sure you really want to know, Jimbo?

I have wondered all my life, God, what could my Vikings have done to displease you so?  Four lost Super Bowls.  Breaking up with Randy Moss all over again.  Their stadium deflating like my junk after a roll in the hay.

I will answer any one question you have, Jimbo.  I could tell you the meaning of life.

That’s interesting and all, Lord, but I must know.  Why do you hate my Vikings so?

Ready?

BOO-YAA!  PACKERS BITCHES!!!  YOUR VIKINGS ARE DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY JIMBO!  I THINK I’LL SHRED ADRIAN PETERSON’S ACL DURING MINICAMP!!!

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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December 28, 2010 at 8:08 am | Football, KCAL Crew, Sports | 1 comment