Alright boys, it’s time to reach up and pull them straps tight one more time, cuz it’s time for NASCAR’s big guns to duke it out fer 10 more rounds in The Chase for the Sprint Cup. And here’s yer lineup:
For those of ya not intimate enough with NASCAR to speak the numbers, that would be Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick, Jeff Gordon, Matt Kenseth, Carl Edwards, Jimmie Johnson, Kurt Busch, Ryan Newman, Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Brian Keselowski, and Denny Hamlin. Go HERE ta see their ugly mugs.
And for those of ya that still think NASCAR is a bunch of hicks turnin’ left, lemme fill ya in on these fellas in The Chase. This year’s field has 3 different drivers from California, and guys from Indiana, Wisconsin, Nevada, North Carolina, Virginia, Michigan, and Missouri. There’s a couple guys who own their own race teams on the side, and even a dude with a degree from Purdue in structural engineering. These ain’t yer good ol’ southern bootleggin’ bandits anymore.
So here’s the dirt on this whole Chase thang. Drivers used to race all year and earn points for winnin’, leadin’ laps, leadin’ the most laps, and other stuff. They could also lose points fer penalties that NASCAR bigwigs would usually make up on the spot or pull out of their butts whenever they needed to help a popular driver (see Martin VS Earnhardt in 1990). Well, a few years back NASCAR decided that college football was doin’ a good enough job bein’ idiots without a playoff system and lettin’ people cheat, so they left ‘em to it and created a playoff of their own called The Chase for the Nextel (now Sprint) Cup.
Now with 10 races ta go, the points are reset fer the top 12 drivers based on where they are now in points and how many checkered flags they took. They also bunch em’ all close together in points so if ya look at it all technical like, any one of ‘em has a chance to hoist the trophy after Homestead. Everyone else not in it still gits ta race, but their points don’t mean nothin’ anymore, so they can just play 200MPH wreckin’ ball and screw up the chances of one of the chasers. Makes fer some excitin’ laps when you got 31 other guys that don’t give a rat’s ass if they crash. YEEHAW!
Editor’s Note: That last link might be the best collection of wreck footage I’ve ever seen, in case ya missed it.
So now that we got 12, who’s actually gonna win it? Let’s split ‘em inta two groups, shall we? We’ll call the guys with a shot the CONTENDERS. We’ll call the guys with a better chance of drivin’ their cars to the moon the PRETENDERS.
Kyle Busch – He can win anywhere anytime and he starts in 1st. Oh, and here’s the car he raced on 9/11.
Jeff Gordon – He’s on a tear and he needs to show the 48 who wears the Hendrick pants.
Carl Edwards – Been flirtin’ with it fer years. Time ta git ‘er done.
Jimmie Johnson – They call him 5 TIME for a reason, but I hope this ain’t #6.
Tony Stewart – Longer shot, but he’s won it before and he’s got the equipment.
Denny Hamlin – Dark horse who’s still pissed about runner-up last year. Look out!
Kevin Harvick – Sure the guy wins a lot, but he’s a grade “A” douche and his wife is worse.
Matt Kenseth – You could shuva bee hive down his pants and he’d still be boring to watch.
Kurt Busch – Git outta the car and go back to picking on newspaper reporters, ya whiner.
Ryan Newman – I’d love to root for him, but he only gits it done in qualifying.
Dale Earnhardt Jr – You sell lotsa t-shirts, but you ain’t yer daddy.
Brad Keselowski – Golden horseshoe in ’11, but the wheel’s are about ta come off.
AND YER WINNER IS: Kyle “Rowdy” Busch driving the Sunoco fueled Joe Gibbs Racing #18 M&M’s Interstate Batteries Toyota Camry sponsored by Z-Line, NOS Energy Drink, Gillette… oh, and Electric Sunglasses.
Y’all feel free to quote me on these, especially when I’m wrong, cuz if yer talkin’ trash, that means someone other than my Ma is readin’ this. I don’t want her ta think all that college learnin’ went ta waste.