Somebody’s been puttin’ bees in the britches of our friends in NASCAR, cuz lately the fellas have been a bit grumpy! So far this season we’ve seen “The Closer” Kevin Harvick throw a haymaker through the window of the 18, and we heard Chad Knaus use some not-safe-fer-church language after 5-Time blowed up at the Coke 600… and that’s just on the television. Rumor has it, the boys ‘ve been havin’ even more fun behind the closed doors of the NASCAR hauler. Heck, they’re even gittin’ into it on Twitter! Grab a cold one and keep readin’ for NASCAR 2011: The Anger Management Edition!
It sure is amazin’ the kinda stuff that can happen in justa few weeks. While I been rasslin’ with these new fangled computers so I could git back ta bloggin’, the racin’ world done went and got itself in a tizzy!
Where do I git started? Howzabout the KyBusch and Kevin fisticuffs at Darlington that ended in a ride with no wheelman wreckin’ in the pits? Or maybe our Daytona 500 winner with a mystery plague? I guess I could start with Carl winnin’ a cool million at the All Star Race and then wreckin on the Victory Lap, but then I’d hafta wait ta tell ya about some Formula 1 feller named Kimi comin’ ta take over NASCAR.
But wait… Whatindaheck is THIS? Kyle Busch jus’ got nabbed by a smokey goin’ 128 in a 45! Looks like this week’s gonna be more fun than the last! Read MORE for all the madness of last week and what’s comin’ around the next turn.
Well yes, Mr. Ed was a pretty special horse. After all, he could talk! But I doubt if Mr. Ed ever got the treatment held specifically for a Kentucky Derby winner. Just what happens in a horse’s life when he wins the most prestigious horse race on earth? All the hay he can eat? Oh a little bit more than that my friends! Take the jump and see.
Remember a few years back when the bazillionaire owner of the Dallas Cowboys decided to whip out his… measurin’ stick and build a giant ass TV in his new stadium? No foolin’, that thang is HUGE! ‘Round about 50 yards across er somethin’ like that?
Well, not to be out-gadgeted, Charlotte Motor Speedway just got on the bull horn to announce they’re installin’ the biggest freakin’ TV ever assembled. It’s that there screen in the photo up top, and it’s 200 feet wide and 180 feet tall. Makes the new Kirstie Alley look like the old Kirstie Alley. Makes my double-wide look like the outhouse behind it. Makes Texas look like… well… a smaller version of Texas. You git my point.
It weighs 165,000 pounds (insert another Kirstie Alley joke here), and the loonies that designed this thang had to build a halfa million pound frame justa hold the sucker up. It will make its shiny new debut on May 21st at the NASCAR Sprint All Star Race, and be used at the Coca Cola 600 a week later. It’ll be a mighty fine way to watch Jimmie Johnson smack a wall at 180 mph.
That’s all well and good, but I got me some better idears. Fer starters, I’m hopin’ they break it in witha marathon of Dukes of Hazzard. Yeeeehaw! And imagine how awesome bass fishin’ on CMT would look on that thang. Or that one show where they just show a bunch of stuff gettin’ blowed up. Just think how much fun Duck Hunt would be. WHOOOEEEE! You could play from the grandstands across the track! Let’s see you laugh at me now ya stupid hound!
Gotta love it when the boys head out ta Virginia fer some good ol’ fashioned short track racin’ under the lights. Fer some odd reason races at Richmond have a real Southern feel to ‘em, even though Virginia sits at America’s belt loops. Maybe it’s cuz everybody ’round these parts gets real excited about showin’ ya pictures of their huntin’ dogs and says everythin’ with a super thick drawl. Just listen to this from Ward Burton if ya don’t believe me. No matter though, NASCAR is right at home in Richmond and they proved it once again with some mad fast fisticuffs on the track. Read more fer the highlights.
If they’re gonna play this fall, the full schedule with the whens and wheres are now listed for your team…
I hear enough ’bout Jimmie Johnson every Sunday of FOX from DeeDubya, but if y’all feel like an extra dose of JJ on the ol’ squawk box, tune in to FOX Wednesday night at 9:30PM ET or whenever that schedule thingy on yer cable box says “Breaking In” is startin’. Jimmie With An “I-E” is tryin’ his hand at actin’, and if his previous commercial advertisements tell ya anythin’, it ain’t gonna end good. But, accordin’ to this here article, the fancy pants star actor Christian Slater gave Mr. 5 Time “rave reviews”. As far as I’m concerned that’s just proof that he was terrible, but that’s just cuz I think Slater is a wussy fer runnin’ away and cryin’ in that Robin Hood movie with Kevin “My Only Good Movies Are About Baseball” Costner. Which I only watched cuz I was courtin’ a young lady and bein’ all romantic and such. If I was in that movie I woulda popped Robin Hood in the FACE! But I digress…
Now just in case ya think Lefty ain’t bein’ fair on Little Jimmie, you should know that I ain’t EVER fair to Little Jimmie. Why? Cuz I hate him, that’s why. I hate him cuz of this, this, this, this, and especially this, but it probly has the most to do with the fact the Missus gits all hot ‘n bothered every time he’s on the darn television. Damn you and your super-hero-underwear-model-best-driver-ever perfection, Jimmie. Give us normal folk a chance!
It’s been a darn tootin’ minute since Ol’ Lefty has had much to say about NASCAR, but this is ‘Dega, and we don’t ignore Talladega ’round these parts. The best (and worst) thing to ever happen to my beloved NASCAR was called Talladega Nights, and it was all because of this race. If ya watched on Sunday, then ya know why this track is the 2nd home of stock car racin’.
It ain’t just a big honkin’ donut of tar, it’s also the fastest track on Mother Earth. Before them boys in the scoring tower decided to muck with the engines, a guy named Rusty Wallace clicked off a lap at 216 miles per hour. It’s the longest circuit in the series at 2.66 miles, and somebody forgot the measurin’ tape when they painted the stripe cuz the finish line ain’t in the middle where it belongs. Ain’t no big deal, right? Wrong, but I’ll learn ya that lesson in a bit. For now, just remember that ‘Dega brings out the best from the cars.
Man, you gotta respect Coco Crisp for not only having one of the coolest names in sports, but also for bringing back the classic “full Afro under the cap” look that we haven’t seen in baseball for decades!
Gotta respect the kid for standing up for his principles…