KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Tuesday, April 24th:

-Pizza Hut today announced plans that could finish off a woman nearly killed by the Heart Attack Grill. The woman almost literally died of gluttony after an orgy of cigarettes, booze, and this gorgeous thing, but eventually recovered. Check out the details of Pizza Hut’s latest contribution to America’s Bountiful Obesity Bonanza here. Just remember, it’s called a “deadly” sin for a reason.

-Soon-to-be NFL babyface Andrew Luck is being sued by Deion Sanders. Sanders said he was “jumped” by Luck “and a friend,”* in front of his children, and has decided to sue Luck for all the Indianapolis Colts hope he’s worth. NFL scouts everywhere must be kicking themselves for committing such an obvious oversight while drumming up drama bout Robert Griffin III.

*Okay, The Next Peyton didn’t jump Neion Deion.  Hit the links to find out who (allegedly) did jump his route.  The New Greatest QB Ever To Model A Jockstrap is getting sued for something having to do with trading cards.  Remember – it’s a mashup.  Anyone who uses this as a substitute for real news needs to start reading comic books with Jimbo.

-Teens in California are getting all crunk on Mad Cow Disease. While Mad Cow does affect the brain, this seems like a pretty risky way to get through book reports and standardized tests. It’ll be interesting to see what street slang America’s Future Leaders come up with.  Beefing up?  Mashed po-brainos?

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Monday, April 23rd:

-The Dow-Jones Industrial Average plummeted 102 points on reports Lindsay Lohan had been cast to play Elizabeth Taylor in an upcoming Lifetime movie. The network said Lohan was perfect for the role, as she is currently sporting black hair and getting crunk in limos.

-Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Oklahoma City Thunder after he was caught eavesdropping on the opposing team’s staff. Sources have yet to confirm, but, it appears through his spying he learned the backside of Thunder player James Harden’s skull is particuarly vulnerable to elbows. In what will undoubtedly be the funniest headline of the year, the NBA will probably suspend World Peace.*

-This happened. Men everywhere now have a new standard of dedication to hold their wives and girlfriends to. If she wouldn’t grab a gun and leap onto a moving van to defend you, boys, she just doesn’t love you enough.

*Note: Clearly, MWP was not involved in a spy-ring.  The Daily News Mashup is what one might call “parody,” or, “awesome.”  So are spies. So are dudes changing their names to Metta World Peace, World B. Free, and Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop Bop Bop.

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense. Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Thursday, April 19th:

-Dick Clark dies at 82 after catching a 2,000-pound Great White shark.This is an especially grand accomplishment, considering Clark’s age, and his complete lack of reputation as a sportfisher. It was unknown if the shark got the better of the former American Bandstand host, or if he passed away later on, but, judging from the blood around the shark’s mouth, it looks like America’s Oldest Teenager gave it the business. You can see Dick’s big fish here.

-Tim Tebow was named to Time’s “100 Most Influential People” list. He may have also secretly serviced a number of prostitutes in South America.* If he did, props be unto him. Because it’s Tim Tebow, there’s bound to be a press conference about this sometime soon, and it probably should be. Seriously, look at this girl. If he’s bagging chicks like her, it’s no wonder he wound up on that list.

*Note: No. Tim Tebow was not busted with an “adult escort”. This is called satire. The only escort He would even consider hanging with is an Escort-brand radar detector. Wait a minute – His Holy Tebowness wouldn’t use a radar detector. That wouldn’t be goshdarn nice of Him at all, would it?

-Our standard of living in the United States has fallen more than 50% over the last 40 years. Somewhere between 42″ LCD TV’s, X-Box 360′s, and these computers we carry around in our hands that some jerks still refer to as “phones,” it seems people are more troubled now than they were when the country was staring down the Soviet Union. Then again, Dick Clark is dead and Tim Tebow is one of the most influential people in the world. Maybe they’re onto something here.

Someone with entirely too much time on their hands remixed Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ using random movie clips. CHECK IT OUT:

For your enjoyment, here’s Batman running onto the field at the Baltimore Orioles home opener the other day. Nice tackle by the cop!

Here’s a great story from Sebastian Bach for your weekend…enjoy!

Sorry ladies, but there are some benefits to being a guy. Like being able to play guitar with your pee…

We’d like to present you with evidence that either (1) people have some serious issues with Big – sorry that’s B1G – Ten Commissioner Jim Delany, who was one of the dudes who spearheaded the creation of the college football trainwreck known as the BCS or (2) Big Jim has begun a fascinating new career in which he can express himself in so many different ways.

We’re guessing that (1) is the correct answer, but Jimbo’s praying that it’s (2). If it is, Jimbo’s just learned that his dream job is a reality.

We were going to save this until STJ got back from vacation on Tuesday, but it’s just too freaking funny to not share with you before the weekend hits. So…when the guy starts slurring really bad 18 seconds in, does he sound like Stu on a typical Friday night or what?