Today, the remains of Private 1st Class Nathan Davis were finally laid to rest at the Yucaipa Christian Church. The procession was concise and dignified, with all the honors befitting a hero of the United States. Thanks to the support of the awesome Inland Empire, his memorial was a celebration of his life and his sacrifice, instead of an insult to his death.

Most of us have heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, the detestable group of zealots who picket military funerals to push their ideas. Until today, the Inland Empire hadn’t had to worry about them, relegating their “demonstrations” to the headlines of other cities and states. However, when they threatened to bring their hate speech to Pfc. Davis’ funeral, the IE was ready to act.

From the ground, it looked like more than a few hundred people showed up to honor Davis’ memory and keep the Westboro Baptists Church from ruining the procession. Even our own Tiffany was there, and she hates being around people. Houses and fences were lined with American flags, people came with signs and support. You couldn’t have been prouder of the way the community turned out–they didn’t just come looking for a fight with the WBC, they came for the Davis family. No one lost sight of what this was really about, and who this was really for.

We have to take a moment to thank the Inland Empire for coming out today. Because of your love for Pfc. Davis, the WBC didn’t even show. There wasn’t a single sign of them, and the Davis family got to watch Nathan in peace, cheered on by hundreds of their neighbors.

It’s hard not to get personal now. I’m an Afghan veteran myself. Davis and I both served in the infantry. Thanks for your bravery, Davis. May you forever be at ease and in peace. Hooah, Soldier.

June 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm | KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, KCALFM.com, Local News, News | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Tuesday, May 8th:

-Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth broke his wrist just after it broke that pop singer Rihanna may pose nude for “Playboy.”* While most of us can surely understand Werth’s excitement (look at this and tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing), the injury comes just as the Nationals were finally winning. The guy could have at least waited till he got home from work, like the rest of us (hopefully) do.

-Bank of America will forgive up to $150,000 of Terrrell Owens’ mortgage debt. The former class clown of the still-ringless Philadelphia Eagles (40rty’s favorite team), is broke, and running behind in child support payments to three different women. To make matters worse, T.Owes is wallowing in the Indoor Football League. When you can’t even cut it in Canada, it’s time to hang up the cleats. Maybe he can fall back on his college degree in…marketing? Never mind. Stick to football.

-John Travolta is being sued for trying to have phone sex with a 911 operator. The “Battlefield Earth” star called 911 almost 20 times trying to get the local switchboard to talk dirty to him. While a woody can sometimes feel like an emergency, it’s certainly nothing to call 911 over. Not with the Internet so readily available. It appears Travolta got through to a few people, because a second person has stepped forward and decided to sue. Travolta hasn’t seemed this crazy since “Face Off,” and that was with Chief Crazyballs Nicolas Cage at his side.

*Before you go running to your favorite sports blog, no, Jayson Werth did not injure himself while playing Jimbo’s favorite sport, Yank the Crank. He is hurt, though, and even though many of us are Dodger fans, we wish him some sort of speedy recovery.

May 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm | KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Monday, May 7th:

-Miley Cyrus–mildly insane daughter of Billy Ray–stormed onto the court during last night’s Lakers-Nuggets NBA playoff game. America’s Oldest Tweenager has yet to talk about (or, even, admit to) her behavior, but it likely has something to do with the godawful, forsaken craptastic bomb of a movie she just released, “LOL.” Her public apology will probably look something like: “OMG SRY evry1 had 2 promote my muvie, LOL i <3 bsktballz <33333333333333333″

-The now-infamous walking disaster known as “Tanning Mom,” has agreed to star in a pornographic film. It looks like her lone stipulation was that she have no, um, “co-star,” giving herself 100% of the screen-time and the rest of us nightmares on par with visions of our own death. So far, no one knows which production company is filming the porno project, but, who can blame them for not wanting to take responsibility? The truly sick and twisted can click here for a short preview of “Tanning Mom’s” upcoming release.

-Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps has announced his impending retirement after this year’s Games on news that marijuana prices in California are in free-fall. The world-class athlete was publicly disciplined for marijuana use a few years back by whatever league or association governs swimming (and you thought Roger Goodell only existed in football), and it would not be surprising if California’s attractive pot prices drew him here for retirement. Plan on hearing him in-studio with Stoner Rob in the coming years, playing his pluggy sidekick, “The Psychadellic Swimmer.”* Just remember to pass it to the left hand side, Mikey.

*Get real: Phelps is NOT going to appear on Stu, Tiffany and Jimbo alongside Stoner Rob. He is quitting after the Olympics, though. Remember, the Mashup is a parody, anyone who takes the words written here as fact is a fool and should be privately ridiculed.

May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, KCALFM.com, News | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Wednesday, April 25th:

-Shattering expectations and confusing critics, the Indianapolis Colts have elected to draft supermodel Kate Upton’s boobs with the 1st overall pick of the 2012 NFL Draft*. The boobs, which were recently featured in Esquire, will serve the team in a yet unknown capacity, but no matter what they’re doing, fans can all agree they’ll look a lot better on the field than Stanford QB Andrew Luck. If the League had any idea the Colts were going to make such an unorthodox move, they may have scheduled them in more than one primetime game. Boobs!

-A “former prostitute” from Brazil is taking some time off from suing the United States embassy to offer a “night alone” with whomever is taken LAST in the NFL Draft, affectionately known as “Mr. Irrelevant.” The hooker claims she was thrown from an embassy van in December of last year, continuing the U.S. government’s poor record with South American prostitutes. She made her invitation to Mr. Irrelevant via YouTube, where she does not appear to have any injuries. No one but Mr. Irrelevant will get to know just how much being thrown from a van has hampered her, ahem, craft.

-(Suspended) Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace will play football for (suspended) New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton while the two have seemingly nothing else to do. Payton said in an interview he’d like to coach his son’s football team with his well-earned time off, but since World Peace won’t be back on the court for seven games, it seems like a natural fit for the two to work together. The duo could be the most dangerous in all sports, as World Peace has demonstrated time and again his willingness to injure people for free.

*Don’t worry, Colts fans, Jim Irsay isn’t really going to pass on Luck (so far as we know). The News Mashup is a parody, a joke, a funny thing you should be reading every day.

**Goodness, look at Kate Upton’s rack.

April 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, News | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Wednesday, April 25th:

-A man with no legs or arms- described as a “limbless endurance athlete”- managed to kill a gray whale, by slam-dunking a golf ball inside of it (beat that, Cosmo Kramer). The swimmer, Frenchman Phillipe Croizon, must have encountered the whale near the Pacific coast, as its carcass washed up in Washington’s Puget Sound. Croizon was in the middle of swimming around the world (which is now the second most-impressive thing about him), while the whale was, presumably, innocently bobbing around the ocean before Croizon killed him. Can’t wait to hear what PETA has to say about this one.

-Dan Marino has been banned from classrooms across British Columbia (up in ol’ Canadia), shortly after being named one of the newest spokespeople for the AARP. One B.C. teacher claims Dan the Man is now “too political” for her classroom, and the school board is following her lead. Add “teach in Canada” to the list of things Marino Will Never Do, right up there with “win a Superbowl,” and “live down ‘Ace Ventura.’” It’s a rare move for Canada, a country so benign they’ve even taken to dismantling their own Navy, to single someone out so aggressively. Poor Dan-o. At least he’ll be able to officially collect those sweet Senior Citizens’ discounts everywhere now.

-Detroit Lion Calvin Johnson- affectionately known as “Megatron”- unveiled a huge new deal today: $40 million for three seasons of letting E! follow him around. The show, which could be titled “Keeping Up With Calvin,” or, perhaps, “Messin’ With Megatron,” will be the same kind of overhyped crap we’ve come to expect from reality TV, with only TMZ and bored housewives tuning in. Lions fans seem worried Johnson could fall victim to the “Kardashian Curse,” and wind up marrying Lamar Odom, or…well, there’s really nothing worse than that.*

*Note: No, Calvin Johnson didn’t really sign up for any stupid reality shows. Once again, the Mashup is parody, and if you take anything written here as fact, well, you’ve been spending too much time licking Stu. He was chosen by fans to appear on the cover of the upcoming Madden football video game**, though, so big ups to him.

**Calvin Johnson – not Stu, dumbass.

April 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, News | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Tuesday, April 24th:

-Pizza Hut today announced plans that could finish off a woman nearly killed by the Heart Attack Grill. The woman almost literally died of gluttony after an orgy of cigarettes, booze, and this gorgeous thing, but eventually recovered. Check out the details of Pizza Hut’s latest contribution to America’s Bountiful Obesity Bonanza here. Just remember, it’s called a “deadly” sin for a reason.

-Soon-to-be NFL babyface Andrew Luck is being sued by Deion Sanders. Sanders said he was “jumped” by Luck “and a friend,”* in front of his children, and has decided to sue Luck for all the Indianapolis Colts hope he’s worth. NFL scouts everywhere must be kicking themselves for committing such an obvious oversight while drumming up drama bout Robert Griffin III.

*Okay, The Next Peyton didn’t jump Neion Deion.  Hit the links to find out who (allegedly) did jump his route.  The New Greatest QB Ever To Model A Jockstrap is getting sued for something having to do with trading cards.  Remember – it’s a mashup.  Anyone who uses this as a substitute for real news needs to start reading comic books with Jimbo.

-Teens in California are getting all crunk on Mad Cow Disease. While Mad Cow does affect the brain, this seems like a pretty risky way to get through book reports and standardized tests. It’ll be interesting to see what street slang America’s Future Leaders come up with.  Beefing up?  Mashed po-brainos?

April 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, News | No comment

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense.  Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Monday, April 23rd:

-The Dow-Jones Industrial Average plummeted 102 points on reports Lindsay Lohan had been cast to play Elizabeth Taylor in an upcoming Lifetime movie. The network said Lohan was perfect for the role, as she is currently sporting black hair and getting crunk in limos.

-Los Angeles Laker Metta World Peace was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Oklahoma City Thunder after he was caught eavesdropping on the opposing team’s staff. Sources have yet to confirm, but, it appears through his spying he learned the backside of Thunder player James Harden’s skull is particuarly vulnerable to elbows. In what will undoubtedly be the funniest headline of the year, the NBA will probably suspend World Peace.*

-This happened. Men everywhere now have a new standard of dedication to hold their wives and girlfriends to. If she wouldn’t grab a gun and leap onto a moving van to defend you, boys, she just doesn’t love you enough.

*Note: Clearly, MWP was not involved in a spy-ring.  The Daily News Mashup is what one might call “parody,” or, “awesome.”  So are spies. So are dudes changing their names to Metta World Peace, World B. Free, and Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop Bop Bop.

April 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, News | No comment

Wordle: Untitled

KCAL Rockers are busy, modern people. Between work, school, family, and – most important – watching football and drinking beer, we don’t always have the time to sit down and read every story in the newsosphere. Sometimes, we’ve just gotta rip whatever information we can straight from the headlines of the business, sports, entertainment, and local pages. That’s why your loving friends at 96-7 KCAL Rocks have taken it upon ourselves to make it nice and easy for you. Plus, we’ve saved you some time by jamming all the big news of the day into a couple easy-to-read “stories”. Some of them might even kinda sorta make sense. Or not.

Here’s your Daily News Mashup for Thursday, April 19th:

-Dick Clark dies at 82 after catching a 2,000-pound Great White shark.This is an especially grand accomplishment, considering Clark’s age, and his complete lack of reputation as a sportfisher. It was unknown if the shark got the better of the former American Bandstand host, or if he passed away later on, but, judging from the blood around the shark’s mouth, it looks like America’s Oldest Teenager gave it the business. You can see Dick’s big fish here.

-Tim Tebow was named to Time’s “100 Most Influential People” list. He may have also secretly serviced a number of prostitutes in South America.* If he did, props be unto him. Because it’s Tim Tebow, there’s bound to be a press conference about this sometime soon, and it probably should be. Seriously, look at this girl. If he’s bagging chicks like her, it’s no wonder he wound up on that list.

*Note: No. Tim Tebow was not busted with an “adult escort”. This is called satire. The only escort He would even consider hanging with is an Escort-brand radar detector. Wait a minute – His Holy Tebowness wouldn’t use a radar detector. That wouldn’t be goshdarn nice of Him at all, would it?

-Our standard of living in the United States has fallen more than 50% over the last 40 years. Somewhere between 42″ LCD TV’s, X-Box 360′s, and these computers we carry around in our hands that some jerks still refer to as “phones,” it seems people are more troubled now than they were when the country was staring down the Soviet Union. Then again, Dick Clark is dead and Tim Tebow is one of the most influential people in the world. Maybe they’re onto something here.

April 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm | General Stupidity, KCAL Crew, KCAL Rocks, News | No comment