– Danica Patrick, and lot’s of her, preferably in Victory Lane – Seems like a pretty obvious thing to want since I’m constantly includin’ half-nekkid pictures of her on here, but I also reckon it would be a good thing for the Good Ol’ Boys of NASCAR to finish behind a lady for once.
Y’all can officially stick a fork in the 2011 NASCAR season, but it didn’t end without a good ol’ fashion peddle mashin’ duel to the checkers at Miami/Homestead Speedway.
Alright boys, it’s time to reach up and pull them straps tight one more time, cuz it’s time for NASCAR’s big guns to duke it out fer 10 more rounds in The Chase for the Sprint Cup. And here’s yer lineup:
For those of ya not intimate enough with NASCAR to speak the numbers, that would be Kyle Busch, Kevin Harvick, Jeff Gordon, Matt Kenseth, Carl Edwards, Jimmie Johnson, Kurt Busch, Ryan Newman, Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Brian Keselowski, and Denny Hamlin.
AND YER WINNER IS: Kyle “Rowdy” Busch driving the Sunoco fueled Joe Gibbs Racing #18 M&M’s Interstate Batteries Toyota Camry sponsored by Z-Line, NOS Energy Drink, Gillette… oh, and Electric Sunglasses.
Don’t agree? Keep on readin’ and find out why I’m right.
The next time yer little ‘uns are whinin’ about wearin’ a seat belt, take ‘em to a NASCAR race at Watkins Glen fer a learnin’ experience they’ll never forget. After seein’ these pictures and videos from this past weekend, it wouldn’t surprise me none to see grown me strappin’ into those fancy ‘lectric cars with a 7 point harness and a helmet. Keep readin’ to see some gnarly wrecks.
The knuckle-headed nation of NASCAR has turned the 2011 racin’ season into an episode of Jerry Springer, and it’s about time I put down the ‘shine and git y’all caught up on the drama. Cousin Carl’s been flirtin’ with EVERYBODY, the entire state of Kentucky was in gridlock, Mini-Chad is terrorizin’ the garage area, Keselowski is now “Krash-a-lot-ski“, and apparently potheads enjoy changin’ tires. If that ain’t enough fun fer ya, this new Wild Card thingy has thrown a wrench into the standin’s, and this week the boys gotta turn RIGHT! Keep goin’ for the details… near as I can figure, anyway.
It’s a freakin’ MIRACLE! We’re halfway ’round the bend on the 2011 go ’round of NASCAR and Ol’ Lefty FINALLY got one right. So far this year I’ve done a better job of pickin’ my nose than pickin’ winners, but Denny Hamlin finally came home with the checkers in the Heluva Good! 400 at Michigan International this past Sunday.
Now before we git too far down this road, I gotta point out that I ain’t pullin’ yer leg when I call it the Heluva Good! 400. I know it sounds like somethin’ I’d say when describin’ a Tuesday night at the local bowlin’ alley, but that really is the name of the race. NASCAR will slap a sponsor on justabout anything, and Heluva Good! just happens ta be some darn tasty sour cream dips. So next time yer thinkin’ about eatin’ somethin’ crunchy, make it a Heluva Good! snack. I guarantee you’ll have a Heluva Good! party and yer guests will have a Heluva Good! time. Ya see what I did there? Should be worth a couple thousand bucks of endorsement fees and I can use a new bass fishin’ boat. Keep readin’ fer the rest of the race breakdown.
Somebody’s been puttin’ bees in the britches of our friends in NASCAR, cuz lately the fellas have been a bit grumpy! So far this season we’ve seen “The Closer” Kevin Harvick throw a haymaker through the window of the 18, and we heard Chad Knaus use some not-safe-fer-church language after 5-Time blowed up at the Coke 600… and that’s just on the television. Rumor has it, the boys ‘ve been havin’ even more fun behind the closed doors of the NASCAR hauler. Heck, they’re even gittin’ into it on Twitter! Grab a cold one and keep readin’ for NASCAR 2011: The Anger Management Edition!
It sure is amazin’ the kinda stuff that can happen in justa few weeks. While I been rasslin’ with these new fangled computers so I could git back ta bloggin’, the racin’ world done went and got itself in a tizzy!
Where do I git started? Howzabout the KyBusch and Kevin fisticuffs at Darlington that ended in a ride with no wheelman wreckin’ in the pits? Or maybe our Daytona 500 winner with a mystery plague? I guess I could start with Carl winnin’ a cool million at the All Star Race and then wreckin on the Victory Lap, but then I’d hafta wait ta tell ya about some Formula 1 feller named Kimi comin’ ta take over NASCAR.
But wait… Whatindaheck is THIS? Kyle Busch jus’ got nabbed by a smokey goin’ 128 in a 45! Looks like this week’s gonna be more fun than the last! Read MORE for all the madness of last week and what’s comin’ around the next turn.
Remember a few years back when the bazillionaire owner of the Dallas Cowboys decided to whip out his… measurin’ stick and build a giant ass TV in his new stadium? No foolin’, that thang is HUGE! ‘Round about 50 yards across er somethin’ like that?
Well, not to be out-gadgeted, Charlotte Motor Speedway just got on the bull horn to announce they’re installin’ the biggest freakin’ TV ever assembled. It’s that there screen in the photo up top, and it’s 200 feet wide and 180 feet tall. Makes the new Kirstie Alley look like the old Kirstie Alley. Makes my double-wide look like the outhouse behind it. Makes Texas look like… well… a smaller version of Texas. You git my point.
It weighs 165,000 pounds (insert another Kirstie Alley joke here), and the loonies that designed this thang had to build a halfa million pound frame justa hold the sucker up. It will make its shiny new debut on May 21st at the NASCAR Sprint All Star Race, and be used at the Coca Cola 600 a week later. It’ll be a mighty fine way to watch Jimmie Johnson smack a wall at 180 mph.
That’s all well and good, but I got me some better idears. Fer starters, I’m hopin’ they break it in witha marathon of Dukes of Hazzard. Yeeeehaw! And imagine how awesome bass fishin’ on CMT would look on that thang. Or that one show where they just show a bunch of stuff gettin’ blowed up. Just think how much fun Duck Hunt would be. WHOOOEEEE! You could play from the grandstands across the track! Let’s see you laugh at me now ya stupid hound!
Gotta love it when the boys head out ta Virginia fer some good ol’ fashioned short track racin’ under the lights. Fer some odd reason races at Richmond have a real Southern feel to ‘em, even though Virginia sits at America’s belt loops. Maybe it’s cuz everybody ’round these parts gets real excited about showin’ ya pictures of their huntin’ dogs and says everythin’ with a super thick drawl. Just listen to this from Ward Burton if ya don’t believe me. No matter though, NASCAR is right at home in Richmond and they proved it once again with some mad fast fisticuffs on the track. Read more fer the highlights.