In case you’ve missed it, here’s one of the funniest pictures you’ll see this week. The dude on the left is Oregon’s All-American tailback LaMichael James riding Space Mountain before playing in the Rose Bowl. On the right, by the way, is the I.E.’s own Kenjon Barner, who was clearly having a much better time in the Magic Kingdom.
Here’s the one thing more amazing than that picture. Mr. James is one of the toughest motherscratchers you’ll ever see on a football field. How tough? Watch the video below – warning: extremely unpleasant content – and know that dude popped his elbow back into place on his own. He missed exactly two weeks after turning his wing into a cat o’ one tail.
A couple weeks ago, Jimbo copped to the fact that he cries every time he watches the first part of Finding Nemo. If you were wondering what makes a dude who all but laughs at his arm nearly turning into a maraca cry, you just found out.
While it certainly doesn’t suck to be LeBron, we’re guessing you didn’t go to work on Christmas and get heckled by a confrontational Santa. We had no idea that, after bringing joy to the world’s good girls and boys, the jolly old elf likes to drop the sleigh at the American Airlines Center and get his drink on at a Mavs game for a little r&r. Can’t you just picture the conversation at the Dallas concession stand?
“Okay, Beertender. Gimme tee martoonis…and…and…a G&T. Whaddya mean I gotta drink out of a plastic cup? What kinda joint is this – Stu’s house? My beard? I tink I lost it when I made that delivery at the agave factory in Jalisco. C’mon bro…didja think that suckers real? Hurry up. I don’t wanna miss Bosh blowing another layup.”
We assume those Wings Of Death aren’t really going to be on their backs come game time. Otherwise, Stu’s going to think he’s flashing back to seeing Canned Heat at the Swing.
Fans of college football and Tim Gunn have had something in common for years: a profound dread that can only be inspired by the words “Oregon Ducks show off new uniforms”. Prepare to spend January 2 – at least they’re not playing on National Hangover Day New Years Day this year – retching at that which Nike hath wrought this go-round. Coming next week to a Rose Bowl near you – assuming you live in the I.E., of course – it’s OREGON FOOTBALL TRAINWRECK 2012!!!
You’ll be delighted to know that, per Nike, “The new uniform provides enhanced thermoregulation and more durability with the inclusion of Nike Chain Maille Mesh…” Chainmail? Excellent! Introducing the Oregon offensive line..
Ahh, Christmas â€“ A day for joy, hope, and basketball. Well, that and Laker Nationâ€™s worst nightmare.
Letâ€™s start with the second worst thing you can tell any Lakers fan (including this one): The Clippers are a better bet to hold up that giant golden basketball than the Lakers. Oh sure, they wonâ€™t do that this year, but â€“ unless until Donald Sterling screws things up again â€“ theyâ€™re in much better position to win their first ring before the Lakers tie the evil green empire with #17.
Take heart, Lakers fan. For the foreseeable future, at least weâ€™re not going to be hearing the single worst thing we can ever hear: The Celtics win the championship. Thanks, for that Kendrick Perkins trade, Danny Ainge! Oh, and enjoy watching him in the Finals this year when the Thunder get worked by The Heatles.
Anyway, hereâ€™s a look at why it might be time to consider jumping bandwagons. In an attempt to avoid causing Laker Nation to break out in hives this Christmas Day, weâ€™ll resist saying the words â€œChris Paulâ€ and â€œLamar Odomâ€ unless absolutely necessary.
Update: After putting the deal on hold, it looks like the NBA, which owns the Hornets, just killed the deal. For now anyway.
That having been said, the action moved up the 5 Freeway from Anaheim to downtown L.A on Thursday. For a while there, things were apparently changing forever in the land of Forum Blue & Gold: Chris Paul almost became a Laker, giving the team their first dominant point guard since…Magic?
Just a couple problems if the deal really does go through: (1) Who’s the new power forward? Derrick Caracter? Kenyon Martin? Look! Vlad Rad and Kwame Brown are available!!! (2) The other obvious move in Mitch Kupchak’s playbook is to make a run at one Dwight Howard, who wants out of Orlando. Just one thing: with both Pau and Lamar gone, what would the Lakers have to offer besides ‘Drew Bynum?
Big ups to the entire UC Irvine Athletic Department, who managed to pull off the amazing feat of eclipsing every other gawdawful college music video ever made while pulling Kobe Bryant into their vortex of suck.
Words do not begin to describe the horror of the trainwreck above. We do, however, commend the woman on the basketball team, who tried her best to hide behind the Anteater statute throughout her team’s appearance and the entire women’s golf team, who made it clear they were being held at figurative gunpoint during the filming of this monstrosity.
As for UCI, you folks might want to just turn out the lights on the whole athletic program after this whatever-it-is, starting with the baseball and water polo teams. Look what you had to “overcome” to make this the worst college music video ever.
More horror show after the jump…
The big, if horrific, sports story today is about hockey. We don’t talk hockey much on here, but we’re huge hockey fans. The news? A plane carrying one of Russia’s best hockey teams, Lokomotiv Yaroslavl, crashed today, killing 43 of 45 people on board.
Local puckheads will be particularly saddened to hear of the passing of head coach, Brad McCrimmon, an 18-year NHL veteran, and two longtime League vets with local ties: former King and three-time All-Star Pavol Demitra and 10-year Ducks defensive stalwart Ruslan Salei.
Want to know more? Remarkably good coverage can be found on the NHL’s website. Other than that, words fail us at the moment.
Maryland to Oregon: Top this for revolting, bitchez!
They said it couldn’t be done. (Who “they” are, we have no idea, but whatever.) There are some sports records that simply can’t be broken. Ever.
Cy Young’s 511 wins? A baseball standard for all time. The Lakers 33-game winning streak? Untouchable in this era of sporting parity. Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points in a single NBA game? Forever unbreakable. That 109-yard kickoff return Antonio Cromartie had a few years back for the Bolts? Mathematically assured of eternal greatness.
In the world of college football, nothing seemed safer than the proposition that the Oregon Ducks’ ridiculous collection of unis, most based on the colors of barf and bile, would always be, in the words of the Beastie Boys, the most illinest.
Not so fast, amigo. The visual trainwrecks the Terrapins rolled out in last night were truly awe-inspiring, in a record-breaking, stomach-churning sorta way.
As we head into the first football weekend of the year – college ball all weekend with the NFL kicking off Thursday night with the last two Super Bowl winners, the Packers and Saints – just make sure the woman in your life knows you want to watch football.